Baba Yaga Ghanouj

Who is Baba Yaga?

I don’t know; I don’t have time to explain. That’s clearly a link. Click it (but don’t forget to come back here. PLEASE. I GET LONELY).

Anyway, a Eastern European folkwitch has nothing to do with this recipe other than I am obsessed with crazy females of folklore (hence my other blog, Raging Banshee. plugplugplug). Also, you know… the whole “Baba” word.

Getting back on the topic I never started: I had an eggplant slowly softening and developing brown spots in the fridge (don’t worry–no mold, you’re good, or says all the old Italian ladies when they cook their slowly fermenting eggplants). I really wanted to make homemade Baba Ghanouj, as Redbeard and I both are addicted to Middle Eastern food and, well, eggplant.

We had a jar of tahini we have never opened… alas, the cap and seal twisted off, making me unsure of its safety (Yes, I’m sure it was fine. Yes, I am that phobic). Oh no, most baba ghanouj recipes called for grilling the eggplant… and the grill is closed up and hoping to stand up against the 60 mph winds outside!

So, as I always do: I adlibbed.

Ingredients

• One large eggplant (softer is better, just like I say about my ice cream and my women, but not my men… if you get my drift).
• Four tablespoons Olive or Pomace oil.
• One large lemon.
• 1/2 to 1 teaspoon cumin (to taste). You can leave this out if you so desire.
• Two-three cloves of garlic (also to taste; add more if you so desire, you vampire-phobe).
• Pepper (to taste).
• Salt/salt alternative (to taste).

Prep

• Move oven shelf as close to top as possible. Preheat oven to BROIL (set your oven to broil, set temperature to broil, or 500, whatever your oven tells you).
• If you have a food processor (or a really strong blender), get those clean and ready. They are not necessary, but they make things easier (just like I like my women).

Instructions

• Place the eggplant in the oven to broil for 15 minutes. Right on the shelf. You want this shit black and burnt (just like I like my… eggplant).
• After the eggplant is sufficiently darkened and/or crisp, take it out of the oven, set the oven to “bake” and 350, and place it on a baking sheet with the garlic cloves. Bake all of this for 15-20 minutes.
• Meanwhile, wash and massage your lemon (Roll it back and forth to get those juices moving… sorry this recipe has taken a turn for the sexual. Maybe I’m NOT sorry, though!).
• When the eggplant is done, peel off the skin–it should come off incredibly easy (just like the clothes of… okay, sorry, no more parentheses). If not, use a spoon to scoop out the flesh. Put the eggplant, garlic cloves, juice of HALF of a lemon, 1/2 or 1 teaspoon cumin, salt/salt alterative, pepper, and four tablespoons olive oil all in one bowl OR food processor.
• If using a bowl, mash that shit together.
• If you have a food processor… thank goodness you have one and don’t have to use actual effort like the schmuck in the step above!
• Blend everything together until smooth, or slightly chunky, depending on your preference.

That’s it! Garnish with some more lemon juice from the other half of your lemon, and parsley if you have it (we don’t, although we apparently have three containers of dried basil…).

This serves roughly four people with the following nutritional content per serving: 151 calories, 7g of carbs, 14g of fat, 1g of protein, 4g of fiber, and 3mg of sodium (Depending on how much additional salt you added; I always use potassium salt).

Serve with pita chips, crackers, cucumber spears, french fries, and/or the fossilized bones of velociraptors. Don’t worry. They deserve it.

 

Autumn Dropped Nuts

Sorry, I think I meant “Autumn Nut Drops” in the title… but you clicked, didn’t you?

So, this is a low-carb cookie of sorts because it uses predominantly NUT based flour (nut nuts, not human nuts… though that seems like it might be even lower carb).

It’s roughly 80 calories a cookie, won’t make a whole lot (unless you double the recipe) to tempt you, with 4g of carbs, 8g of fat (GOOD FATS GUYS), 3g of protein, 1g of fiber, and only 37 mg of sodium.

I was aiming for a sort of “fall flavor,” with more fall/winter type spices like nutmeg, cinnamon, etc. This cookie goes well with cider… and even better with wine (Pinot Noir–dunk ’em).

Preparation

• Preheat oven to 350.
• IF you wish to make your own homemade nut flour, get nuts and “Grind” in a food processor (I know, I know, who wants to do that. It’s easy as shit though).
• Get cookie sheet out, or any sort of oven safe container–this recipe only yields about 16 cookies, so you can use something smaller and less cumbersome.
• Put either parchment paper or aluminum foil on tray.

Ingredients

• 2 1/2 cups any nut flour (I used Brazil Nut flour… by grinding six ounces of Brazil Nuts in a food processor. Yes, I’m a bad ass).
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour.
• 1/2 cup egg substitute/egg beater/break free egg, etc.
• 1/2 cup Stevia (“Stevia in the Raw” to be exact).
• 1 tsp cinnamon.
• 1 tsp vanilla extract.
• 1 tsp baking powder.
• 1/2 tsp clove (You may use the body of Clove from The Hunger Games for this. OOPS SPOILER).
• 1/2 tsp nutmeg.

Instructions

• Mix all that shit in a bowl (fuck separate bowls, ain’t nobody got time for that).
• Using a tablespoon (or your fingers like a real caveman), put drops of dough on sheet that are roughly 1 to 1 1/2 inches in diameter.
• These cookies do not need to be placed super far apart–they should not spread (I said “should not,” not “will not”–I am not a seer; I cannot predict the chaos theory that is ovens and your baking skills).
• Bake in oven at 350 for 14 minutes, or until they smell done (you heard me).
• EAT.

You MAY wish to add more of whatever spices you prefer–this cookie has a subtle flavor to it, so if you want something with more kick, feel free to add more.

Be warned, though–when I say “subtle flavor,” I mean that level of sweetness and satisfaction that makes you suddenly eat the whole batch and sob in the bathroom. You know what I’m talking about.

I do think you could probably make this completely gluten-free if you reduce the egg by 1/2 cup so it’s not quite a runny dough–I actually planned on this to be gluten-free, then accidentally added too much egg, had no more nut flour, and tossed in a bit of all-purpose to make the dough something that didn’t look like snot.

I guess you could say the whole process drove me a little… nuts.

…YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Brazil Nut Pesto

I love pesto.

I also love nuts. In all forms.

I know what you’re thinking… is she going to give us a pesto recipe using different nuts?!

What do you mean you were thinking of something else?

Well, here’s the thing. Pine nuts are pricey. Brazil nuts you can find in any random bag of shelled nuts, generally, and I have a container of unshelled brazil nuts from a local grocery store–ran roughly $5.

I’m a big “Brazil nutter,” or just nuts. I’ve read it has the highest content of selenium of any nut, and selenium has been linked to a variety of benefits, including lowered LDL, heightened HDL, and prevention of cancers, coronary heart disease, and more.

Plus they taste good.

Ingredients

• 1/3 cup Brazil nuts (I used unsalted, already shelled. Shelled keep fresher longer, fyi)
• 2/3 cup pomace/plive oil
• 1-2 cups fresh basil
• 3 cloves garlic
• Salt/salt alternative to taste
• Pepper to taste

Instructions

• Put everything in a food processor.
• Grind until it’s easy to blend… then blend.
• Blend (I already said that).

Pretty easy, right? Pesto is fucking easy–that should tell you why it’s expensive when bought pre-made. It’s those goddamn pine nuts.

This literally tasted no different than the kind with pine nuts.

I served this over more egg noodles, with diced tomatoes and a bit of Parmesan cheese.

Easy Broccoli Tetrazzini

Okay, not to embarrass my Italian roots… I know this isn’t quite tetrazzini. I would called it “Adlibbed Tetrazzini,” similar to my “Adlibbed Venison” from last week, but broccoli in the title seemed more appealing.

I also think many people like the word “easy,” particularly men in a bar setting.

Tetrazinni is technically a baked pasta dish–it varies, but often includes a type of meat (usually chicken), mushrooms, a cream/Parmesan based sauce, and some type of “topping”: usually breadcrumbs, cheese, etc. Clearly, this is an Italian-American dish. I know nuts are generally included in this dish, but for the sake of all those nut-allergy people, I left it out (also, I grew up on tetrazzini in a house where none of my siblings liked nuts, so my mother never made it with nuts. She also generally used Hamburger Helper… for shame).

So, since it was cold yesterday (Winter is coming…), I decided to try and make a tetrazinni using what we had.

I also pan-seared some white eggplant in olive oil to round out the Dago-ness of this meal (I don’t know what it means when I come from a Southern Italian family that I crave Italian whenever it’s cold).

Ingredients

• One eggplant (white or purple)
• 2 1/2 cups of DRY pasta (always measure/weigh pasta before cooking)
• 3 cloves of garlic, diced
• 1-2 cups of Parmesan cheese (depending on your preference, increase or decrease the amount)
• 1/2 cup breadcrumbs (I used Panko because I could eat that shit on anything)
• Olive/Pomace oil for cooking
• 2-3 cups broccoli (I used frozen that I boiled in the same pot as the pasta once it was removed)
• 1-to 1/2 cups milk (I used unsweetened flax milk)
• Salt/salt alternative (to taste)
• Pepper (to taste)
• Oregano (to taste)
• Basil (to taste)

Preparation

• Slice eggplant and put in a bowl with salt OR salt alternative. This will leech out some of the water for a crisper edged eggplant.
• Boil 2 1/2 cups of pasta (I used egg noodles because that’s all we had).
• Boil broccoli (you can always use the same pot to save time/room/energy/omgsomanyslashes) after pasta is done.
• Preheat oven to 450 (Fahrenheit, because I live in “WHAT’S CELSIUS OR KELVIN?” America).

Eggplants Instructions

• Put a little olive/pomace oil in pan on medium/high heat (6 or 7).
• Cook eggplant on pan, turning over occasionally.
• Eggplant should be slightly transparent and slightly soft.
• Take off, sprinkle with pepper and salt/salt alternative.

Tetrazzini Instructions

• Boil pasta and broccoli as mentioned in prep. If you need instructions on how to do this, I recommend you leave the internet OR look at the bag on pasta.
• Sorry, that was mean. You can stay on the internet. There’s this thing called YouTube.
• In a 9×12 baking dish, or really any oven-safe container, put cooked pasta and broccoli. (I did not put butter, oil, Pam, lube, or anything in the dish, and everything came out fine. I was also using a glass dish, so make of that what you will).
• Add milk, half to 2/3 of the total amount of cheese you’re deciding to add (I put in about a cup and a half, because I ******* love cheese), salt/salt alternative to taste, pepper to taste, oregano to taste, and basil to taste. I used dried oregano and basil because I didn’t feel like walking out to the garden. IT WAS COLD.
• In the same saucepan you used for the eggplant (I’m all about efficiency/laziness), put a little bit of oil on medium/high heat (7 or 8) and cook garlic until it’s crisp/golden brown.
• Put garlic in pasta.
• Mix everything together in dish.
• Sprinkle panko and remaining cheese over top of dish.
• Drizzle a little bit of olive/pomace oil over the top.
• Bake pasta for 45 minutes.

EAT.

Now, obviously mushrooms could easily be included in this dish. That was actually the original plan until I smelled my mushrooms and they seemed wonky.

Based on my exact measurements and ingredients (including the flax milk, which I recommend), this makes four big servings with the following nutritional information per serving: 384 Calories, 29g of Carbs, 22g of Fat, 24g of Protein, 2g of Fiber, and 742mg of Sodium.

Sodium and fat are primarily from the cheese, so this could be changed if you decide to alter your cheese to a dairy-free or lower-sodium option.

I consider this recipe Vegetarian because no meat, and the only dairy product is the Parmesan cheese which could be substituted, of course, with a vegan cheese.

If you want to do it up, hit-em up style (what?), you can use a fuller fat milk for creaminess. This dish was less creamy than usual, but the flavors were so on point I didn’t actually miss the creaminess.

Mushroom “Chicken” Nuggets

Here is the beauty of this approach to not only cooking, but life.

I found some shit. I threw it together. I found a wonderful chicken nugget substitute.

So Red Beard and I had “Fried Portabella Mushrooms” the other day at Copper Canyon Brewery. I’m a sucker for fried (anything) mushrooms, so they were only made better when they were served with a “cajun sauce.”

So I tried to replicate it… but healthy! Also because I’m afraid of hot oil (girl, don’t go there).

It tasted nothing like I wanted it to… but when I dipped it in ketchup, it tasted like motha-fuckin’ chicken nuggets. No joke. These are quick and easy, too (Just like…)

Mushroom “Chicken” Nuggets (serves 1)

Ingredients

• One portabella mushroom.
• 1/4 cup egg substitute (essentially an egg beater).
• 1/2 cup Panko bread crumbs (I know whole wheat Panko exists, but eff that shit. I’m not frying it so let me have my white starch).
• Salt/salt substitute (to taste).
• Pepper (to taste).
• Smoked paprika (to taste).
• Chili powder (optional, also to taste).

Prep

• Preheat oven to 375.
• “Wash” mushroom (you don’t want to get a mushroom very wet, just lightly scrub off any dirt or residue).
• Line a baking dish of some sort with foil. SPRAY the foil with Pam or cooking spray–this shit sticks like… something that sticks. Idk, your mom. Just keep reading.
• In one small bowl, pour the egg substitute.
• In another small bowl, mix the panko, salt, pepper, paprika, and chili powder.

Instructions

• Slice mushroom into thick pieces.
• Coat mushroom in egg substitute.
• Immediately coat egg-covered mushroom in panko mixture and put on baking apparatus.
• Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden brown (my toaster oven is dying, so this could explain the long cook time for me). They should be CRISPY and mostly golden brown when you take them out.

ENJOY. Serve with ketchup! They taste like ~slightly earthy~ chicken nuggets. You could try dipping them in ranch. I tried making a “cajun” sauce that was low-fat mayo based and it tasted like shit, so I’m not even going to write that recipe.

Caloric Content: Roughly 125 calories per serving (one breaded & cooked portabella), 20g carbs, 1g fat, 11g protein, 4g fiber, and 181 mg of sodium (though that may change with added salt).

Note: Depending on the size of your portabella/slices, they may break apart when putting them in the egg mixture. That’s fine–you’ll just have smaller bite sized pieces!

P.S. Here is my spice cabinet. Also, sorry I forgot to take more pictures, I was too busy eating uncooked panko.